The Fecund Life
How a seven year fertility quest became a lifestyle
For years now, I have had the annual ritual of choosing one to three words that represent the underlying energetics I desire for the year ahead.
I begin mulling over these words soon after the Winter Solstice, and usually settle on them by the start of the Gregorian calendar, in early January. I spend the next few months immersing myself in the energetics of these words and by Spring—the start of the astrological New Year—I set actual goals.
I do this because I believe energy is foundational to everything else in life. I energetically set the tone for the year ahead before I start making plans or taking action.
I have this practice and timeline in place because sometimes it takes me a while to fully know my energetic truth. Yes, our truth can change—this is one of the greatest gifts that one of my first teachers, the wonderful Nicole Hambro, imparted in me early on in my path.
I simply don’t feel ready to get going in the dead of winter. In truth, I am usually exhausted at this time of year and in cocoon mode, which makes sense energetically as winter is a dormant period that requires us to go inwards. When we use this time to withdraw, be in stillness, silence, and reflect, we are attuned to the cycles of the natural world.
As we know from nature, while life may seem to stop in the season of winter, in truth, the darkness beneath the soil is still teeming with life—ready to blossom once again in divine time. In my own practice, I like to go inwards and focus on my internal world. By being immersed in the frequency of the words that represent the underlying energetics that I desire in my life, my goals organically develop. By Spring, I feel fully embodied in the underlying energetics and have clarity to be able to take action towards those goals. Everything flows and feels better when I operate in this way.
In 2018, I chose one word for the year ahead—fecundity.
Fecundity is widely defined as fertility, productiveness, richness, and fruitfulness. To the 2018 version of me, this word represented my heartfelt desire to be pregnant and enjoy a healthy pregnancy. It also represented my desire to pursue various creative passions and to expand the abundance I received from my growing business.
While 2018 was a very productive year in terms of my business and creativity, it was also one of personal challenge, sadness, and loss with my fertility journey. However, at the end of the year, after multiple, failed fertility treatments—and on the brink of embarking upon IVF—my now 5.5-year-old was conceived naturally, a true Christmas miracle.
My journey with fecundity evolved beyond the ongoing quest to grow our family—and the accompanying struggle with secondary infertility over the years—to encompass my relationship with productivity and creativity, the way these played out in my business and finances, my overall well-being (mind, body, and soul), and, perhaps most importantly, my ability to truly enjoy life.
It has been quite the journey. And while I cannot say I have enjoyed every moment of it, I can attest that every single part of it—including the ugly, painful, and ‘bad’—has served my evolution and ultimately brought me to where I am today.
There’s a saying that when we seek to create something or arrive somewhere, the journey is the purpose—that the process itself often holds more value than the destination. But that doesn’t quite apply here. My children are the purpose. They are the gifts I was seeking—not only over the past seven years, or since my infertility diagnosis at 34, but for as long as I can remember.
From the time I was a little girl, barely old enough to safely hold an extended family member’s baby (but always eager with open arms), I knew what I wanted: to get married, to have a family, to feel a baby growing inside me, to birth and nurture life, and to be a steward of souls. That—along with being a writer, telling stories, savoring nature, good food, and the finer things in life—was always clear to me. I always knew. We always know.
Often, the journey is not so much about becoming, but unbecoming—shedding the layers of adulthood to return to the knowing child within, the one who remembers who they are and what’s right for them.
But I digress—and there’s much more I could say on that, another time.
Living the fecund life
It’s only in the past few months that I’ve felt the full integration of everything I’ve immersed myself in over the last seven years. While my fertility journey has, thankfully, come to a joyful close—and some creative pursuits have come to fruition—I now see that my 2018 word of the year has evolved into something far greater. It has become a way of life. I’ve changed, forevermore.
Tonight, as I said goodnight (for the umpteenth time) to my 5.5-year-old, then went to cuddle and sing to my almost 1-year-old daughter before laying her down to sleep, I found myself reflecting on just how much I’ve changed. I am a different person because of the journey it took to bring these souls earthside. In that moment, I could feel the truth: the delays were never a denial. Everything unfolded in absolute divine order and perfect timing.
One of my favorite sayings is, ‘We make plans and God laughs.’
I planned to be married and start a family at 28-years-old and have at least three children by 31.
Instead, at 31, I underwent a spiritual awakening, a break up, and my entire sense of self as I knew it began to unravel.
At 34, I was diagnosed with infertility and had the first of many surgical procedures.
At 35, I was diagnosed with an array of autoimmune disorders and experienced pain and lethargy in a way that was utterly debilitating.
At 36, my life fell apart on every single level.
At 37, I started again.
At 38, I stabilized my new foundations.
At 39, I met the man I knew would be the father of my children.
At 40, I married him.
At 41, I chose fecundity as my word of the year and the energy I wanted to create in my life.
The rest, as the saying goes, is history—and indeed, a legacy, that will last beyond my lifetime.
Fecundity has become who I am and how I live. It is the energetic seed of a lifestyle that is both tangibly and intangibly rich and fruitful, honoring the rhythm of nature and life that guides us all, as well as my own unique rhythm—working with the divine order and unfolding of my life.
Living this way allows me to be productive and enjoy the riches of life while also embracing the seemingly fallow periods. Surrendering to seasons of loss and stagnancy to bloom once again in divine timing. I no longer expect a linear human experience of continual growth and expansion. This realization and acceptance alone has fundamentally made my life infinitely more enjoyable. It has brought me a sense of peace that no amount of external achievements or plaudits have, or could ever, compete with.
I know from the many challenges I have faced (and continue to face) that it is the alchemy of overcoming difficulty and transmuting it into fertilizer that feeds the terrain of my life. I don’t always like what I have to contend with, but I trust it is there for a reason for it—I embrace it as a portal to becoming more of me, knowing that there are riches to be gained in all seasons of life. Some are for the soul alone. Some are for the earthly, human existence. They all have value and purpose.
I don’t know where you are on your journey right now, but if you’re in a season that feels tiresome—or even impossible—I hope you can trust that you will get there. There is purpose in the process—you are the process.
In true Taurus season fashion, perhaps part of the process—today or this week—is simply to rest, to restore, and to trust in the quiet goodness that surrounds us.
With that in mind, I’ll leave you with the Jupiter and Earth Immersive Sound Bath from our Rest and Restore collection. May it serve as a gentle reminder that, just like in nature, miracles are unfolding within us during periods of rest and restoration—allowing us to bloom in divine timing.
P.S. I’m excited to share that I’m launching a new monthly column called Ask Ambi—a seed planted decades ago during my former business consultancy days. I’ll be using Instagram to gather questions from my community and will be writing my first post later this week. I presume many of you are on Instagram, but in case you are not (or don’t see my stories—I am not in good favor with the Instagram algorithm), feel free to leave an Ask Ambi question below.
P.P.S. This post is a day later than my usual cadence because I honored a sleepless night to spend the next day napping and enjoying a cozy, rainy day of cuddles and connection. It was divine and exactly what I needed. I hope this can remind you that you are a human, not a machine—honor your rhythm and give yourself a little grace.
Until next time.
Ambi - thank you for being so expansive! Reading your story about having kids after 40 is so helpful to my reprogramming of what's possible.